In Circles
 Well it finally came along, today. And strangely, it doesn't affect me. Well, much at all. Which I feel is great! It's really good, Everything I had done, everything that has happened in the last few days, it all seems to be working for me just fine.. I'm not hurting, I'm not sad, I am fine and normal.. I'm Tommy again!
This message is for you, you know who you are.
I hope it works for you, I'll try not let things head the way they did one time before. I just hope you will be happy, I hope you are happy, I hope it works for you, I hope it is what you want. I'm here still, always, as your friend, nothing less and nothing more. There was one last chance I left open for anything, me in hope that maybe something was there, you made the decision to not take it up, so that is now gone. The chance for anything along the lines of commitment and companionship I suppose are gone, and over.
I shouldn't have to write this, as one of my most beloved and closest friends, you should know this already.. As goes the rest of you guys, my closest friends.
Closeness, friendly physical contact and "more*" are still there for you, as other people take up upon with me.
If something gets you down, I'm there to help.
If something makes you angry, I'm there to calm you or help you seek the revenge you want.
If something makes you laugh, I'm there to point and laugh too.
If you feel the need for some comfort, My arms are open for you.
If there is something "else" you need, I'm there for you and I have silk sheets LOL. I'm there for you, in the ways that I am for the rest.
...Except for Miki, He gets more. LOL.
I'm trying to move on from things, and I think I am. I'm getting there. The last few days, have been a mix, but since Monday, things have been even better than they were before. Things are looking up. It's great! :)
Lvoe you, always.
* More being - Range from cuddling&comfort&maybe even more depending, to money help, to transport, to rescuing you from somewhere at 3am, to general and extreme favors, to a place to escape to, and all the rest that a "good mate" or "best friend" should supply.
...Read The Rest Here!
It's Just A Memory
 It's just a memory of all that we could have been...
This morning on the bus in to work, I was talking to my mum.. We both get the bus in to the city together on most mornings.. Mornings that we are both ready, and sometimes one of us is lazier than the other and takes longer, so we go separately.. Anyway, upon talking to her, she asked me what's been playing on my mind lately.. Talking to her most of the time, brings back memories of things from the past.. Be it about my childhood, things she has done for me, the way I've acted to her sometimes, my love life, my car, and all sorts of things..
I went through one of them quiet "stare out the window" moments for a bit on the bus when the conversation stopped briefly.. I remembered about this one person.. This particular girl.. The moments I had shared, the moments I wish I could share again.. I remembered how, when she'd be around, she'd be the most beautiful thing I could see around me.. How every moment felt so perfect, and meant so much to me.. How, whenever I'd be about to see her, I'd get butterflies in my stomach.. How, whenever I'd even think about the plans coming up ahead, I'd get that feeling..
And then, I remembered the sad times.. The missed chances, the missed memories, the "what if's".. The end, and how it all came crashing down.. How it is all gone, all past, all history.. All memories..
There's this girl right.. I had her, and when I did have her, it just felt so right and so good.. Just looking into her eyes, the feeling of her body, the sound of her voice.. That perfume that just made me melt.. Her style, her class, her charm.. Just everything around her took me in, took a hold of me.. And I couldn't go back..
I wish I could have that again, or atleast some of that again.. Some of the fun, the feelings, the memories.. I wonder what she is doing right now.. I wonder if she'll ever see this, and know..
I might write more on it later..
...Read The Rest Here!
On The Edge Of The Dark
 Last night I had a pretty whacked out and messed up dream.. I don't really get it, I don't know if there is some kind of underlying reasoning or message or anything.. be it for me or for others.. But I don't know if I did die, or if I nearly died and crawled out into the second part of my dream.. But it impacted hard, I woke up this morning with the worst feeling (emotionally) inside of me, like something really bad just happened or something.. The feeling soon left me moments later.. But man, did it have me in a bit of a panic mode this morning.. Basically, all I can remember of my dream is this:
It started out with me and 3 friends (2 guys, 1 girl) sitting around in my room.. We were sitting there talking.. One had a bright red hat on with some logo, The other was holding a pair of scissors and something else, and the other had a little gold jewelery box with a heart shaped lock on it.. I forget what it was we were talking about, I just remember it making me feel saddened and kind of concerned..
Then the girl looks to me, and says "Well, you haven't ever done anything for me.." I remember that hurting, and one of the boys holding her hand and agreeing.. That made me stand up and say something along the lines of "After this whole time of knowing you.. something something something.. how could you value my friendship so low.." And leaving the room in a hurry.. I dont remember where I headed, But when I left my room it wasn't my house..
The made with the red hat stood up.. And I don't know what happened between then..
Then I remember driving really really fast with another mate in a green car chasing up behind me.. I don't remember if it was this particular car of one of my friends or not, I just remember bright Green. My car seemed alot quicker than usual.. We both had near misses through red lights and other cars.. Then the green car became Maroon and was following me.. Then it became a different bright red car.. and it disappeared..
Then all of a sudden.. It seemed like I was watching a movie.. I could see me, I could see my car, There were no other cars around.. I went through a red light and this big car hit me from the left.. I remember seeing the face of this person.. I remember knowing this person.. I remember recognizing that car.. I remember having lots of realisations about my life all in one fast pace.. I was happy, I was sad, I was confused.. Lots of things made sense.. I missed people.. I cried.. SO much was happening in one go.. All the while as everything I could see was in a slow slow motion.. I remember the detail of the car crumpling.. The headlights getting closer and closer to me as the car crumpled towards me..
My car was sent spinning.. and spinning.. Then I woke up for a second..
When I fell back asleep, I remember climbing out of something.. I don't think it was a car, I don't remember what it was.. I just remember being on the edge of this sand cliff.. That I remember was from another dream..
I can't remember what happened from there till just before I woke up.. All I remember was the similar things from a dream I had long ago.. Which involved channels of water going down beside me, and me being dragged with one of them to the edge of a cliff, and 2 friends reaching out and pulling me from it to safety..
Just this time they were bigger channels, pulling faster, and 3 friends.. 3 different friends..
This dream I had long ago went something like this, I remember talking to Alyce about it after I had it.. we discussed it, and reckon it had alot of meaning or message behind it.. I had it blogged at one stage aswell..
I was walking along a beach, small sand/stone ledge to my left, water to my right, and channels of water running off the ledge along the sand to the beach.. I had a group of about 5 or 6 people with me.. A couple run off to the water, a couple are with me, and others are elsewhere..
I climb up this ledge.. and sit and watch.. As I am sitting there it is getting higher and higher.. and everyone is gone.. I'm at the top of this; what is now a cliff.. and I can't get down without falling.. So I start walking..
Water starts gushing down, knocking me over and making me head towards the cliff edge.. pulling me fast and rapidly.. I'm clinging to things trying to hold on.. Then 2 of my friends appear.. They reach out, Grab me, and pull me to safety between 2 of the channels.. I am now safe.. and there are 3 people there.. 2 of which pulled me to safety.. They ask how I am.. and that is all I remember..
...Read The Rest Here!
Colours From Nowhere
 Well, I have 1 hour and 15 minutes of my day left.. and no idea at all what to do during it.. Most would say "Get back to work you lazy bastard!" .. Well, I don't have any haha.. Nothing in my Task Manager is due.. Everything is either done, awaiting approval, or on hold.. Anyway.. As I have nothing to really write about, let me give you some insight in the workings of the Tom... Well, my job.. Read More by clicking the link below!
Basically, I'm a little graphics designer in a big'ish type company.. The company that I work for has online casinos.. We have 12 online casinos and 5 poker rooms.. All of which have around $5million going through them every single month.. Our biggest jackpot is on a game called MegaMoolah, that is over $3.5million at the moment. We are known as CasinoRewards, and on CasinoRewards we have our 12 partner Casinos and 5 Poker Rooms.. You can view them here:
CasinoRewards Partners Page..
Basically what I do here is create mailers (emails), Websites and Banner Ads.. Ever since I started here, I lifted the standard majorly! Haha.. Basically if you compare the stuff from before me, to the stuff that I created.. I seemed to have lifted the level of design and quality, and I think they are happy with that haha.. As I have created things that have really brought in alot of cash..
Last week I created a "Labor Day" mailer that (I was told) brought in over $200,000 over the Labor Day long weekend.. 2 weeks before that I created an "antique" style mailer that brought in over $46,000 over 2 nights.. And this week I created another mailer that they expect to bring in alot! That is just the last month.. There have also been alot over the year and a half that I've been here! :)
[ Labor Day Mailer | Antique Mailer | CC Mailer ]
Also in this job, I build websites.. Quick little ones, Splash pages.. Basically one page websites that pop up or pop under a window you are using.. They are designed to catch your attention, in the hope that you will click it in order to gain the "Sign Up Bonus" that we offer on the specific Casinos..
Here are the 3 latest I just did:
[ CaptainCooks Casino | Phoenician Casino 1 | Phoenician Casino 2 ]
And an oldie that does well, and is also in French, Spanish and German, and 3 different colours:
[ Casino Classic | French Blue | French Red ]
When you sign up to each, and you deposit some money, you get your "Sign Up Bonus" which is a different thing over the different casinos, some give you up to $1200 free, some $500 and 1 hour of free play, and so on and so forth!
I'll never sign up to it haha.. but yeah lol..
Thats the basic gist of my job..
I get alot of free time, to surf and look at and do whatever I want.. Because between jobs, there isn't much to do.. and often I just have nothing! Sometimes I go a whole week with about 2 hours worth of work to do.. So basically I sit on msn trying to waste time and stuff lol.. Like this last hour I've been trying to find stuff to do.. I got a bit of work, so now I'm doing this inbetween that!
Tommy Over and out!
...Read The Rest Here!
Chase My Rabbit
 I could have crashed tonight, it could have been a real bad one.. I would have been killed. But, I was in a position to get out of it in pretty much any direction.. At one stage I thought, "lets see what this will feel like".. Another thought was "fuck it".. Another "You're clear on the right, indicate, move.".. and another "I can fit through there on the left, only just, keep it steady and you'll make it.." .. Such an assortment of thoughts went through, as I was travelling at 135km/h down Herring Rd (Ryde), with another car on my right, just trying to keep up......
I wanted to go for a photoshoot tonight, just to practice, and see what I can pull off at night time.. There are alot of people out there, in various car clubs, that love my work and always want me to come out with them.. But, night time photography was something I always had trouble with.. This afternoon, looking at OzLiberty.com I stumbled across an assortment of beautiful and brilliant photographs:
Aren't they just so crisp and sharp?
It gave me motivation to go and try it myself.. So I thought about where I'd go and stuff the whole way home (at the time checking out this chick on the bus, we kept locking eyes, wish I had the guts to say something!).. I got home, fed the puppies, and departed on an adventure! I went all over the place, eventually hitting Homebush.. That popular strip, most car fans have had atleast one photo of their car taken on that strip!
Anyway, after taking a heap of snaps, I headed home.. and on the way looked at other random places to get shots.. Got some more in other locations (most of which didn't come out!).. But, on the way home.. I came across a 2gen Liberty (2 models below mine).. He was a green P-Plater and driving relatively quickly..
So I figured I'd invite him to a little thrashing.. I drove past him quickly and slowed, inwhich he sped up to catch up.. We ended up burning around the main roads at really high and stupid speeds.. It got to one point where I was fanging down the road, and there was a car stopping way ahead of me.. I had plenty of time to manouvre and get by with no problems, was looking way ahead and saw no threats.. But something overcame me..
Whenever I am driving, I feel free. I feel care free. Like I have no worries in the world, and at that moment at seeing the car.. Everything disappeared from my mind.. All my worries were gone, the reasoning I've been down, gone. Driving is like my drug. And driving fast is when it is really in play. Something in me wanted me to hit that car, I would have been wiped out, they would have been wiped out, and the dude chasing me would have followed. I obviously went around it with no problems, moving in front of the other guy who was in the right.
But something about that situation felt powerful. I have a little epiphany then. I felt happier after the whole escapade and heading home. Until I got home, then it all came back. And now I don't know what to do about any of the situations. I think I will stay in seclusion this weekend.
My photos here (Click for the full gallery):
Mercury Room
 Again, I have this feeling.. This bad gut feeling.. A feeling of worry, concern, stress and just negative.. Whenever I get "this feeling" it is usually negative, and usually comes true.. I feel worried, I feel concerned about something.. It is stressing me out, bringing me down, making me feel sad and distressed.. I just want to go home right now, leave work 2.5 hours early and just get home.. Get in my car, and go for a cruise.. Driving for me is a stress relief, Whenever I am angry, I can jump in my car.. Go for a "spirited" drive (speed limits, cruising along slowly and carefully) and I will be calm soon after..
Or I go for a burn, where I fang it everywhere, weave amongst traffic, don't bother indicating, speed heaps, and be an all out stereotypical P-Plater/Arsehole on the road.. I put the AWD to it's limits and really take over the road..
Both ways calm me down, when I'm really angry, I tend to do the latter alot..
Whenever I get this feeling, it had always been before something hurt me emotionally.. I have a feeling I may know what it is, but I am just hoping that I'm simply worrying myself too much, and that nothing is going to happen..
Whenever I mention it, especially in previous occasions people tend to think it is about them, no it is not. It is a gut feeling I have that is intense because it is going to impact on me mainly. The last few times this feeling has come along just before someone breaks my heart, or tells me of something that hurts me emotionally, and it really impacts.
Sigh, I hope everything will be fine. I don't have the cash for petrol to go for a full burn or drive, That is my stress relief. When I lost my license for 3 months about 5 months ago, when I'd get stressed, I had to way to release it, So it built up lots.. And just recently it all came out in one big explosion. I don't want to have to have that happen again..
You know what, I think I will go for a drive tonight. I might go visit somebody I haven't seen in a while.
...Read The Rest Here!
A New Dawn
:::: EMO WARNING ::::
I apologize up front, and please shoot me atleast once for each emo blog I post from now on :)
I'm sorry for that email I sent. But I had to say it. I'll probably regret it later. But until then. I hope you understand. I still love you.
Diz-Tortion
 Haha as soon as I left my desk at work, I put on the "In Search Of Sunrise 6" album on on my mp3 player.. As soon as I got to my desk at home, it had just ended.. literally about 30 seconds to the end of the last song anyway.. meaning it took me about 1 hour and 16 minutes to get home today.. But during that time, I had stopped to chat to someone I hadn't seen for around 7 years! Since year 6 at Primary School..
Her name is Jeanne Wang. She lives about 2 minutes drive from my place, gets the same bus to and from the city each day (only at different times).. I stumbled across her (and a couple of others) FaceBook profile when I found a group based on my Primary School.. So I added her and we chatted a bit.. She tells me that she'd see me on occasion on the bus going to work and such, but wouldn't ever say hi as she was affraid that I wouldn't remember her and it'd be mad awkward haha..
Well, honestly I probably wouldn't have remembered her.. She would look familiar, but until a name was dropped, I wouldn't have had a clue haha..
We just had a little chat, nothing too major.. But it definitely lifted my mood tonight being able to chat to someone new! hehe..
...Read The Rest Here!
Yay for Pimping!
Well as you can see here, I have a very nice fancy new design for my blog :) Generally the first thing I do when I get a new profile, blog, or whatever thingy.. I like to pimp it out and make it look unique compared to most of the other ones out there! I did it with my MySpace; ClickySo what do you reckon ay? :) Pimpin? hehe.. I have a few things I want to write about, but haven't got the time right now.. bit busy at work (taking time out cos I've done some top quality stuff today, got lots of praise!) .. So I'm giving myself a little while to mess around with this before I go back to working haha.. Alrighties, Over and out!
...Read The Rest Here!
Woot
Alrights, seeing that EFx2 is now gone again.. i have now lost 2 big blogs i've had! First being my ModBlog which was getting hundreds of views per day and everything.. then my Efx2.. which wasnt that popular, but it kept me happy.. So now lets hope i dont lose my website lol.. i got this Blogger.com account linked to my domain, so it should be nice and simple now! Just need to work on my template design yay! more on whats on my mind later to come!
...Read The Rest Here!
|
